


Chagrin

by abigailwarren74



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Angst, Probably lots of pain too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 16:36:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16122506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abigailwarren74/pseuds/abigailwarren74
Summary: Carol AU. Modern setting. Angst two-parter. In which Carol helps Therese overcome all the pain that came with her past. Mentions of self-harming and suicidal thoughts. Please read with caution.





	Chagrin

**Author's Note:**

> All of the chapters to this work are fictional and are in no way a part of Patricia Highsmith's novel. The characters I have used, unless otherwise stated, have come from her novel. To be read at the reader's own discretion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read on with caution!

Carol never really liked me, at least not after I had handed in one too many pieces of lacked effort, scrappy work. And especially not after I had fed her daughter ice cream the whole day against her bidding. Because not only did Carol Aird know me from school, she also knew me as a sitter. 

 

You must be wondering how Carol became my boss, but I must tell you first that Carol was my boss before she was my professor. It was the time between the months of high school and college, there was an advert about a babysitting job that paid much better than at Frankenberg's. Carol's been what she's been for almost two years now.

 

Harge was never too kind to me, always civil, and never cruel. Carol… Well, Carol was what she was. There wasn't anything else to her other than an ethereal mysteriousness that lingered after each of her steps. Sometimes, Carol looked like a magnificent sculpture. Sometimes, she just looked like a tired working mother.

 

But sometimes, she was like a fugitive– or an undercover. Those were the times I caught her looking at me, all when I least expected.

 

I had messed up with Rindy more times than I could count with my fingers. Once there was an age-inappropriate gift, the next was bringing her out on a chilly winter day for ice skating. Oh, but who could say no to those big doe eyes? Carol would've said yes. Harge would've said yes. Hell, Florence would've liked to say yes too. To be very frank with you, I love Rindy quite a lot but I don't think her parents love me quite so.

 

So now, after the lay of the land, perhaps you might understand why it might’ve been better than if my dead father had found out; or even the pious Sister Alicia; Hell, I would say even if Richard had found out, everything would've been far better than if she had found out. And don't you dare get me started on how it had happened. 

 

Because surely, surely Carol, would’ve been the last person on earth I would’ve wanted to lay this secret on. 

 

––––––––––––––––––––––

 

The day was fine like any other, and I had turned up at the Airds to babysit for Rindy– their little girl. 

 

Rindy had left one of those train tracks lying around and my mind had been so clouded with other inconceivable terrors, my eyes weary from the lack of sleep, all lined in the perfect formula– I was less careful than I had hoped.

 

It had all happened so quickly, the way Carol swept across the length of the large dining room and the way I had stumbled like a pitiful bird. And Carol pulled me up by the wrist, all in good intention to keep me upright. But the wince, albeit softly, was sonorous against her sharp ears and my sleeve hitched up just a little to reveal the angry raised skin underneath, still fresh hatches from the day before. Her eyes flew to mine and I immediately directed my green ones away. The blue stared and they stared until I was but a weak puddle on the carpet. Then I bolted for the door. 

 

I tried not to think about it too much anymore. It was too humiliating. And I could only pray– and pray harder I would– that Carol would not find it too interesting a topic during their weekly professor meeting. 

 

A hundred different conversations were filling up the bar with each passing minute, all competing against the loud backdrop of rock music. A hundred others piled up in my mind. 

 

Richard’s voice was pounding in my head about some shots and I slammed the first one down my throat faster than I ever thought possible. 

 

I tried to make sense of everything. When did this heavy feeling in my heart start? I traced them back to the first time Richard tried to  _ do it _ with me. Then, back again to my malicious resentment for my mother. Then, my Lawyer Father who had died, who was the top of the hill and it only went downwards from there. 

 

Still, how could I justify all this self-hatred? 

 

I thought about every single excuse because I knew, tomorrow, I would have to confront Carol about it. Bribe her mouth shut with promises of better English essays. More appearances in class. Being a better student, a better role model for her daughter. And I would promise her too, that it was a one time thing although we both knew it wasn’t; wouldn’t be. I was willing to give up anything.

 

Richard, Danny, Phil were all being boisterous, their laughter less healing than they thought it be. But I was looking at Danny with a sort of teary look in my eyes he piped up, "Bad day, Terry? Is this about Professor Aird, because I swear..." His voice drifted off into the darkness and I smiled, shook my head as politely as I could muster.

 

He shrugged and downed another shot. They were complaining about the Airds again. Harge who was a successful businessman turned adjunct professor at NYU where they all attended school. But the man was as boring as they get. 

 

Carol was an expert in her own right, an associate professor in Literature, specializing in Elizabethan texts. Describing her as uptight wouldn't even begin to cut it. She was known for her fearsome character and her nontolerance policy of bullshit. 

 

I preferred to have no other thoughts on her. 

 

"You know, Ter, I was talkin' ta' Mrs. Prof Aird the other day and she says ya' canceled on her last minute 'bout some babysittin' thin' ta' be out wit' us? But ya' didn't hang wit' us this whole week." Phil's heavy slang was most evident when he was drunk.

 

"Yea, no. I had something else. I must've panicked and said the wrong thing." I stuttered lightly. Truth was, I had spent the whole day at home, broken picture frame in hand. It had been my father's death anniversary. That date always hit me like a train.

 

"Oh, ya' oughtta' clear that up wit' her. She was pretty upset 'bout ta' short notice." 

 

"I guess I ought to," I sighed cooly, raising my glass to my lips. I swirled a piece of ice over my tongue and cracked it under the weight of my teeth. 

 

The tequila burned its way down my throat, leaving a fiery trail that flourished after each gulp. "I hate this," I mumbled to no one in particular. 

 

"Mm, hate what?" Richard lunged into the conversation.

 

"What?" I feigned confusion.

 

Richard mirrored my tilted head and chuckled out of the awkwardness, "The gang and I are thinking of heading to Jacob's later." 

 

"It's late," I said.

 

"That's what I thought," Richard smiled, "You're too much of a goody-two-shoes." 

 

"If you change your mind," Danny piped in, "You know where to find us."

 

"You want a ride home?" Richard said, picking up his coat from the bar stool, "It's on the way. We could afford you a ride." 

 

"No thanks, I think I'll stay here for a bit before leaving," I waved politely, "All of you stay safe." Richard leaned in and pecked me on the forehead. 

 

"Love you, Terry, see you at school tomorrow." 

 

The bell clattered as they exited the bar, leaving me to the bar myself. The smoke from the smoking area had finally crowded into the part of the bar I was seated at and I watched as tiny dragons floated around, a thousand splendid lights weaving through them.

 

As the fog danced around in the ceiling, my eyes darted to the wild party goers on the dance floor. A girl ground into her partner. I recognized her from one of my classes.

 

"Can I get a rye whiskey," I called for the bartender, placing my bills on the table.

 

"Rough day, huh?" He asked as he poured me my drink, "This one's on the house." 

 

The corners of my lips were fighting to fall down as he left. I put my hand on the cold glass and toyed around with the amber liquid in it. My heart winced as I thought about earlier. Suddenly conscious, I pulled the sleeves of my knit sweater further down my wrist and palm until what was left visually were the tip of my fingers. 

 

The bell near the door rung but that was beyond my earshot. 

 

"One more and I'm off," I pointed at my glass after downing the drink in one gulp. The metal tip of the cannister clinked against my glass as the bartender poured me a refill.

 

My head felt heavy as I rested it in my hand, both elbows on the high table. I closed my eyes and pretended I was elsewhere. I listened to the conversation of the couple next to me. It seemed to me that tonight was a night filled with worries and problematic woes. 

 

At first, it felt like a dream, when they had stopped abruptly, mid drunkard quarrel about feminism and cooking, shoes and money. A small smile graced my lips at the sudden quietness that came with their sudden consideration of me. Then, the boys on the other side had suddenly been shot by moose tranquilizers also. 

 

Without lifting my head, I opened my eyes into my hands and spotted unique leather shoes and picked up on a musky smell of the woods and the spicy citrus. 

 

The air must've stilled. In an incredibly soft voice, I heard spoken into my left ear, "Therese." 

 

Just my name. She said nothing more, as though more words would've made me bolt for the door as I had earlier in the day but Carol's voice against my name was enough for me to dig a hole into the concrete now.

 

Her arm reached for mine and her grasp was harder and tighter than I had expected. Eyes averting all the questions plastered on her face. "Is there something you need?" I barely spun around to acknowledged her. 

 

"Can I talk to you for a minute." It was said more like a command than I request. I obliged without an answer, just making my way out. Her grip, already tight, sank itself deeper into my skin as we reached the cold blaring winter of New York City. It was February after all. 

 

A weighted wool coat fell around my small frame as Carol wrapped me up in what I thought looked like one of her spare coats, as though she had prepared for us to stand in the cold for some time. 

 

The snow was trickling down like a lightweight rain. A couple landed carefully on the small ledge of Carol's eyelashes. I realized the weight of my actions when I looked at her worry lines all etched deeper than I had before envisioned. "Therese, please explain everything to me." A quiet plea. 

 

Tendrils of my hair had gone rogue in the wind without a hat to keep them in place and Carol kept sweeping them out of my face. "I don't know what you're talking–" I started carefully but she cut me off immediately.

 

"What the _ fuck _ are you doing?" Carol spat with a vulgarity I never thought I'd hear from someone as poised as her. 

 

"Mrs Aird, are you in any position–"

 

"Am  _ I _ in any position?" She cried out, her breath floating into a fog in the air. "God, Therese." She shook her head with a painful ferocity she carried around with her. "The lies are all over your lips," Carol looked upwards like she did before, which I had come to realize, were all in an effort to keep her precocious tears from falling. "Now, it's either you tell me what's happening or you are off to the counselor's the first thing tomorrow morning." 

 

"What?" 

 

"Oh– don't–" She was done playing my games. The grip around my hand came into use as she brought it under the streetlight we standing next to. There was no chance for me to escape. Her arms snaked around mine, almost fusing together as she pulled the length of my knitwear upwards. 

 

I squirmed, all in good effort, to get away but she was too secure around my arms, too determined to put my shameful secret out there. 

 

The minute my angry scarred skin hit the winter air, it felt as though my arms were on fire. My cheeks blazed red under the starless night. Carol looked at me like I had killed her own daughter. Her face was crumpled with what looked like disgust to me, all contorted with agony and a twist of anguish. "This," she rasped as though I hadn't gotten her the first time.

 

"What about it?" I tried to pull back again but Carol was not letting me have it my way at all. The force of her grip had caused newer ones to burst open, pearly dark red blood formed along puffy lines. She seemed undeterred somehow, as though she had seen it all before.

 

"What  _ about _ –? Therese, are you telling me that these aren't what I think they are? That you fell, or– or– you  _ accidentally _ got scratched by your cat, by  _ my  _ cat. Therese, I am a professor for the love of God. If you think I am naive to all the world's happenings then you are remarkably wrong so." 

 

"It's nothing. You can't just–" 

 

"No wonder Rindy was telling Abby about the red marks around your wrists," Carol's voice cracked at the last word. 

 

"What?" My eyes snap towards her for the first time this horrid night. A new wave of glassiness rested carefully on the tip of the eyelids. "Children pick up on more things than you'd ever expect." She explained with a tinge of twisted anger.

 

I watched the metallic blue-gray eyes disappear under fluttered eyelids. "Don't you dare cry for me," I said when a pearly tear dripped onto her cheek. "Don't you–"

 

My words were cut short when she pulled my body flushed against hers, all in a good attempt to give me something that resembled a hug, except it was all very painful, the way her nails dug into my flesh. I broke into a fresh bout of puddly tears. "Mrs. Aird, please don't." Was the only thing I could manage.

 

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" She sniffled heavily into my ears, "What if your parents find out? Your mother… Your father… Do you know how upset they will be? And I– I can't be this person– this person that keeps this secret. It's only downhill from here. You think you can stop it, but no." 

 

"My parents… They don't care," I whispered.

 

"That's a foolish way of thinking. If I, your boss, professor, whatever, can care more than your parents do, then I think there is something very wrong." 

 

"You won't understand… You won't ever," I tried to push her off me but it only served to close the space between us both.

 

"Help. Me. Understand." Carol's wavering voice was of a lower pitch than her usual. There was something comforting about the fact that we could see neither of each other's face. 

 

My heart sank into my stomach when she put all her weight into a squeeze, as though if she hugged tighter, I would be more willing to say what she wanted to hear. Carol went on with her pleas filled with good intentions, her advice and her warnings of what might happen if this didn't stop. But she knew, and I knew, despite all of this "It was one time only" talk, surely, there would be one more, and another followed closely behind.

 

Because before you know it, square one would be where you began and ended. And this wasn't some  _ everything comes full circle _ bullshit, no. This was, is everything but that. This was about being stuck, being lost, being helpless. Because you don't just stop something like that so abruptly. 

 

"Please… Just let me go," Was the last of the begging I was going to do today. 

 

And she did. 

 

She let me leave and watched me stumble away into the darkness. Because, _I thought_ , this was, will be, and would be, those battles that were fought to be lost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did you think Carol let Therese go? Obviously, Therese isn't reliable at this point in time. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed what I had to give! I'm hoping to make this a two-part series! If you enjoyed it, please do leave a kudo or a comment for me :D


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